The Versatile Blogger Award – Thank You!

I’m so thankful

A Tree's Roots

versatile-award

I’ve been honored by Love and Everyday Affairs with the Versatile Blogger Award!

Thank you so much! I would encourage all of my followers to check out their blog for writing every bit as versatile as my own. I’m so honored to have been in their thoughts when they assigned nominees for this award!

Here are the simple rules for the Award:

Write 7 interesting facts about yourself.

Nominate 15 blogs of your choice.

7 interesting Facts about Myself

  1. I was an English Literature major who now somehow works in a high level IT position.
  2. I’ve been writing creatively since I learned how to write. Writing has always been a very important form of self-expression for me. I wrote my first stories and poetry when I was 7.
  3. I’m a transgender woman who grew up and transitioned in Mike Pence’s hometown. It’s every bit as traditional, Christian, and Conservative as…

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Supporting the Unwanted

Lately I’ve been having to deal with things I don’t necessarily want to deal with. I have some very close loved ones leaving my side soon,  but today lets start with my blast from the past. Azenette, long time past friend. She’s come back into my life and its like life never skipped a beat. The past 6 months have been inspiring to have her in my presence. I almost forgot how much we vibe so well together, I don’t even really remember why we stopped talking in the first place. She is going to be leaving me soon, once again but this time on better terms. Her heart has been set on NY since i can remember and all honesty i wouldn’t want it any other way. She belongs there, and this is where my topic comes into play. Letting go of someone i hold close to my heart has been something i feel the universe is testing me on lately. She asked me what she should do with a current situation and although my answer only drew her further away from it, i had to be as supportive to her desires and not mine. I spend most of my free time with her and her leaving again is gonna hurt me and I’m sure a lot of others but also I have to know that not everyone in this world was meant to be in your life constantly. Some are here to teach of lessons and some are here to push us back on track. Being supportive is about looking at the bigger picture and knowing your feelings are aside from the choices that someone is going to take. I’m here to let her know and whoever else who cares, that I support my friends big move back to the Big Apple. The goal to be supportive is putting all selfishness to the side and focusing on someones else’s happiness. I want the best for all the ones I love, whether they are near or far away.  And i have a good feeling about her moving back so I can’t wait to see all the wonderful things that will come out of this choice shes about to make. Being selfless has been hard this time around. Knowing someone so active in my life will no longer be around. But if i dont support the unwanted, then i only hurt people in the process with the wrong advice.

Love you and hope we continue to grow friend wise!<3

Watching others fall and letting it be okay.

Watching someone fail, knowing it’s gonna harm something they worked so hard on. The hardest part is having to walk away.

A lot of times, us as humans like to watch the others around us succeed. Myself specifically, had an issue of putting myself in others problems and trying to help fix them. Some were thankful, and other would be upset at how blunt I was. The issue I had was knowing they could fix it themselves and having to let them learn on there own. I’m a mother a two, so a motherly instinct kicks in very often. More so then I wish it would, and when I see someone close to me, making poor choices, it hurts me and I like to “butt in”. But over the years I’ve realized that doing that only brings you down because the only one that can save yourself from mistakes is you. You can’t save someone from themselves if they don’t necessarily want to be saved. The energy I used to put towards others would mentally and physically put stress on me, And although I was just trying to help, helping them fail is probably the best thing you can help them with. It was hard letting people around me fail and get hurt. It hurt more knowing that the next time it happened, I wasn’t gonna be there to pick up the pieces or say it’s okay, because it wasn’t okay. Some people need tough love and others are out right kinda stupid. My boss has a saying, “you can’t fix stupid”. And sadly, learning a lot of people around me just like to be used, they are so focused on the “idea” of love or success, they don’t care who they hurt in the process. Most times I’ve tried to help others see what I saw, most times they hated what they heard because it conflicted with their mental outlook. If someone can only have you at their lowest or when they need you the most, why bother trying to be there if they didn’t need you at their happiest. The admiration inside me loves to be around my friends or family when there happy, knowing we’re feeding off our positive vibes and if they need a lending hand in the process, I do not mind being there. But if someone only ever needs me when they outright have no one else and you know you were last resort, I have no desire to want to be there? Why would I when all you did was push me away?? The point is watching people fall has to happen sometimes and removing yourself completely from that persons life is a must. Your happiness matters, and being used is no longer something you need in your life. Choose your peers wisely, some people just like to be in your life to say they helped, when all they did was cause you more unnecessary pain. Let go and let them fall, even if it hurts you more…

Be the Color in your grey book.

Like others, I have the best of luck to have a good life, but for only a short amount a time. I purposely wait for negativity to strike me at the highest of my happiness, which causes me and my boyfriend some unnecessary stress. Now not long ago like was just a broke record. Always skipping my happiness and never play the write song. Things around me began to just seen so grey, not black to be undoable but enough to take away my color. Now it’s still something I struggle really hard with, to just let the happy times sit and don’t count on the bad, but habits are hard to break. Writing is starting to be my break of happiness everyday, even when I don’t think I have much to say, I come here, meditate and it’s just comes to me. Blogging has began the colors to my grey book. Something I am down right in love with. Sometimes finding your happy is finding what you love to do the most. So go out and find yours, trial and error will accrue and you’ll have some moments not sure when the color will return but when you find it. The blissful ness is enough forget how you even got there.

The cliche quote of “communication is key” and why it’s not actually “cliche”

So along the lines of growing up, I was taught, or better yet programmed, that our partners can “read in between the lines”. Now I don’t know where I got this, who taught me and why I continued to believe this until about a year ago. But THIS IS NOT OK.

Back in my past relationships I never wanted to talk about how I felt or why I felt it. I would give a slight suggestion to appeal the other sex party hoping they really knew what I meant. So I’m sure we’ve all heard the typical “man I’m so cold, I wish I had a Sweater”. Now what you really mean is “I want to wear your sweater….” for years we’ve have been doing this. And quite frankly, you need to STOP! It’s out right annoying and stupidly passive.

Not til recently from dating, did I learn that telling someone “exactly” how you feel is actually really important and even if they give you an answer that doesn’t give your ears a desired sound, that’s also okay. So most times we are passive because we don’t wanna be rejected or feel stupid for having feelings more then the person your wanting. Some may even think that when rejected, that person “wasted there time” when in reality, if you would have asked that person what there intentions were, I’m 100% they probably would tell you.

Communicating is about as blunt as blunt can be. Some conversations can be a little nerve wrecking and other may be topics that y’all haven’t hit in the relationship, but assuming and misunderstanding can lead to some major issues. I’m not a councilor but in my past, misinterpreting someone over a text is quite common so the 21st century. Not a days we all have social media, this is where the “communicating” gets messier than ever. So basics of dating is to get to know someone and conveniently we have phones so we can text that person all day long and ask 21 questions til we “figure them out”. But this is also where we mess up. Now you can’t take a phone on a date…so why try to know someone on one too..???? Communicating needs to crack back face to face and not phone to phone. Facial expressions and tones play a big part in talking to someone and you get neither in a text. Now you wanna be a smart ass and say “well we have emojis”, please don’t start… because I’m sure when you got a pissed off woman, all you get is ten paragraphs and a bunch of misspelled words from anger.

It’s so simple but stop being passive and start telling other how you feel and what you want. Get a raise and push for better, tell your family things you’ve always wanted too. Honestly communications go further then relationships but in every case, and we’ve all need to loosen up the “pride” and start building confidence to be rejected if needed and not scared of no just because we’re too scared to share our true feelings about a topic. Stop pleasing others and tell people what’s going on! 👌🏽👌🏽

The surprise of Yellow eyes

Dedicated to my lovely Boyfriend whom I love dearly!💜💜

For the longest, they were green with a hint of black. They were as serious as a painting I would hang on a rack. They never changed and never blinked. As if one mood fit all. As much as I’d hope to stare, they moved not but once. Like they never wanted to show what mood they had next. They only spoke words, sentences were too long. And if pushed quite too much, you knew you’d be wrong. They glared with the silence and slept with the rain. I could never quite tell, if they’d ever felt pain.

One day I stared back, right into their heart. I finished a sentence of love and watched as they fell apart. They peaked to their side, they awoke to attack. Love was not something ever to be heard back. But instead of attacking, they calmly sat still. The eyes I once knew, were starting to feel. The serious black became green as the trees. All through the center was as bright as yellow bright leaves. The season of pain had grown old and gone. I’m just so glad they chose me to be the one.

Under a bridge Is where I found you

The water spoke in a way that only you and I could understand

The clouds danced around us, as the music gripped our paddling hands

So many others in the pool of water that became a blur

And your heart was the one I fancied to see it stir

At the moment it got still and the dark fell over our view

And under the bridge is where I found you

The Dream

Couldn’t have wrote it better myself! 💜

Petals Unfolding

Don’t dare you give up
don’t cheat yourself
of Peace to come
~~~

My toes burned with bitter cold.  My legs ached with every step I took.  The backpack experiment was miserably failing.  My back just would not tolerate the weight of my long lens and two bottles of water in a backpack slung on it.   I would have to continue using my fanny pack from now on and figure out another way to bring my long lens.

Why did I not opt for that couch today?  

I shifted the backpack a bit.  I purposely moved my toes in hopes to bring warmth.  I increased the pace a bit but had again to slow down, stop when “oh I must shoot this!” came into view.  I absolutely refused to turn around to go back to my car, not when I had pictures to shoot!

And then!  The path…

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Fear phases

So I was just having a pretty heavy conversation of my fears. My conversations with this woman always becomes about our future and fears. Goals and dreams, positive in all aspects. But it’s always good to proudly out-loud admit some things your most scared of.

Old Fears

  • Being alone
  • Never finding true love
  • Losing my mom
  • Losing my kids
  • Dying
  • Losing my spouse

New Fears

  • Not accomplishing my dream

So my old Fears are from high school to my early twenties, as if my mind wasn’t hormonal enough, I had to be more extra with the idea of losing my sanity.

  1. I guess being alone and finding “true” love kinda roll into the same category. I never could pin point what “true” love was. It was just something I saw on TV or from my friends happily married parents. I didn’t have much of that at home. So having the need to find love at such a young age was a necessity. Now I see I don’t need it as much as I used to but I learned to just push past it now
  2. Losing my mother would be the second most feared at the time. The thought of not having her around because of how clingy I was. She was the only person in my life that stuck around through it all. Around 2011 she moves far away. It was so hard!Not because she died but mid as well been the same, I hardly saw her and she missed the moments I needed her the most. which was some hard things in my 20s I’ve ever experienced but I made it through the struggle with my older sister and mother in law at the time. The fear ate at me but also made me a very strong woman.
  3. Losing my kids and losing my spouse was something of another thing i felt would be like being alone. So not long after I lost them both. Not to death but to the actions my ex and I had made and personal choices I did to distance myself because of depression. And honestly I look back and I’m glad I hit rock bottom because I was able to ground myself before building again
  4. Dying would be my last fear, not back in high school if you knew me then, than you know I tried to kill myself my senior year, a lot went into reasons of why and how low my life had been, but I accepted death and tried my hardest to die. Mid stream of dying, I caught a second chance at wanting to stay alive. It was seeing my sisters face while I struggled to open the door. It’s like I was opening a door to a second chance realizing that I wasn’t scared of death. I was scared to live and deal with life.

My fears now are no where near how young minded i would have thought.

  1. My focus right now is to go back to school, continue reading and writing as much to share and accomplish my novels and poetry. I have been through so much at a young age that I want to share it all to inspire the weak minded to become stronger. So I fear now that I won’t accomplish that goal of greatest. To let myself down and to give up. I want only to be great to MY full potential and no one else’s. So make MYSELF happy and become a better me. Because even though my goals differ from others. They still mean a lot to ME! And with that I can give my children, my boyfriend and I a more stable life and happy setting!

Fears come and go with age, and it’s only are goal to take them, shake them, and push them aside. Show them who’s in charge and how exactly you plan to push through all the bullshit! Only thing you can do with fear is fail, and I would rather fail then ever fear.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Nelson Mandela

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